Dissatisfied.

Dissatisfaction is a terrible word.
I have been feeling just that though. I am dissatisfied.
I was trying to find peace this weekend. I tried so hard to put things behind me, but I couldn't. Hard as I tried I couldn't. I spoke of Victor in one of my previous posts and this is the thing that I couldn't let go of. 
I know that all of my posts have been kind of depressing to say the least, but this is all supposed to be honest, and this has been so on my mind lately that I can't seem to shake it. 
I wrote Victor a letter. It sits on my desk at home, with no destination. I wrote my honest raw feelings in it 2 days after the accident and then sealed it. Since that day I have been curious as to what I wrote in it. I know the just of it, but there is things that I don't even remember. 
I made the decision that it was time for me to send that letter; so on the saturday, I woke up at 6:40 (which is quite a feat in itself for a university student) and climbed into my car with the crash sight set as my destination. I was in need of something. My fight with my heart had become so static that I needed to try and get my healing started again. 
So I drove. And I drove. And to my dismay, I couldn't find it. I arrived in Cobble Hill just before 8, and drove until 9:20. I called my mom, and got opinions from local business, and for some reason nobody could tell me how to get to Filgate road. Closure - I guess it was too much to ask for. 
I was mad at God. I was furious. Not only had I wasted the morning, but I was left frustrated and more broken then before. 
And now, I am trying to find peace with this. Peace with the fact that God didn't want me to be there that morning. And peace with the fact that the letter addressed to Victor still sits on my desk - return to sender. 
So that's where I'm at. I am in a stalemate with God, which is a ridiculous analogy considering that God never asked me to be at war with Him, nor is my anger even justified. I am just so tired.
Feuding with the almighty is never good for the soul, but here I am. 
Dissatisfied.
Hopefully I can sort this out, but until then, 
Sincerely and sombrely yours, 
UBC Panties.